Discarded Alternate Version

This story might also have gone this way:

“Gentlemen, is it true that a Jehovah’s Witness gains Heaven through good works?”

“Yes. That is true.”

“And these good works have a sort of point system attached to them?”

The older man paused. “Sort of. Yes.”

“And often it is good works performed in the face of adversity that garner the higher point values?”

“That can be true,” nodded the older man.

“Given these facts I would like you gentlemen to rake my lawn.”

“What do you mean?” said the younger man.

“Using rakes I want you to gather up the many leaves on this lawn.”

“It is the middle of summer,” said the young man. “There are no leaves.”

“Surely you see the leaves? The leaves are everywhere. Are not Jehovah’s Witnesses men of imagination?”

The young man appeared angry.

“We’ll rake your lawn,” said the older man. He was trying to smile. Clearly he was imagining the points this would earn him.

I went to the garage and brought back one rake.

“Where’s my rake?” the young man said.

“I want you to pull up that bamboo,” I said. “It's taking over the yard.”

The young man wasn’t smiling. “I don’t see bamboo anywhere.”

“It’s there, there and there. And make sure to get the root systems out entirely. They are deep and invasive.”

The Jehovah's Witnesses took off their sport jackets and I watched them work for awhile. Later on I offered them some imaginary lemonade.

A Cost-Benefit Analysis

I opened the door to 2 smartly dressed men in suits, the younger one standing behind the older. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses the older one said, and they were both smiling. These were very friendly men. They handed me their pamphlet, an invitation to a question and answer session at their church. I would be helped with questions I might have about God and Christ and Heaven. I listened and then I asked them:

“Gentlemen, do you know what a cost-benefit analysis is?”

They nodded. Of course they did. These men were wearing suits. These were professional men and Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“Gentlemen, it will performed in this way. Will being an active Jehovah’s Witness and believing in its tenents get me into Heaven?”

“It will certainly do that,” said the older man.

“Are Jehovah’s Witnesses required to tithe some amount to their church?”

The older man paused. The younger stopped smiling. “There is no requirement that you give money.”

“But does the church ever receive money from its members?”

“It does. Like most churches,” added the older man.

“And would it also be possible to not be a Jehovah’s Witness and to read the Bible and accept Christ as my savior and also be granted the eternal life? And to do this by studying on my own, without any church?”

The older man paused again. “Yes. I suppose it would be.”

“Then why join your church when at some point I might feel pressure to contribute to it with a portion of my income? Why would I choose to possibly have to pay for eternal life when I could access it without ever having even the thought of paying for it?”

“That is a very cynical view you have,” said the younger man. He did not like this line of questioning at all.

“Furthermore, gentlemen, maybe it is time we rethought the whole idea of worldly payments for an eternity with Christ. Maybe it is time to rethink the idea of physical churches?”

“I think you should come to our meeting,” the older man was smiling again.

I handed his pamphlet back to him. “Who paid for this pamphlet?”

“The church did.”

“I assume by that you mean its membership.”

“Yes.”

“Can you guarantee I will never be asked for money or hear about tithing should I become a Jehovah’s Witness?”

“No, we can’t,” interjected the younger man. He had a disgusted look on his face.

“Gentlemen, it appears that this cost-benefit analysis of your religion is complete. I must unfortunately not accept your invitation. There are less costly ways by which I can access Heaven. In fact, I believe I can do it for free, without a single payment. Again, gentlemen, I wish you the best of luck on your recruitment trip and I look forward to meeting up again in Heaven should I choose it as a final destination.”

With that I shut the door and returned to looking at some recently discovered internet porn of a very high quality that I wasn‘t paying for either.